News of the Weird (via The Sun Times) picked up on the ‘ol “Mistaking the Brake Pedal” accident made triply-hilarious when we learn it’s a shriner in a go-cart (and hopefully a funny turbin).

A 75-year-old Shriner, driving a go-cart in one of the organization’s tiny-car exhibitions, lost control and hit, in succession, two kids and two adults, before coming to a halt in bushes (July). [Chicago Sun-Times, 7-4-08]

IN THE BUSHES!  Bwahahaha.

The happy, candy filled couple

The happy, candy filled couple

We’re straying from the traditional boundaries of Milwaukee for this jar of candied stupid.   A man, at his wedding, was charged with throwing a knife at a 17 year old wrapped in duct tape.  Let that sink in.

From the Journal Sentinel NewsWatch:

A groom is accused of throwing a knife at his wedding reception and injuring a young man wrapped in duct tape. Matthew J. Willi, 46, is charged with felony second-degree reckless endangerment and misdemeanor endangering safety with a dangerous weapon. The criminal complaint says the victim was with some 17-year-old friends, and with Willi’s son. The two youths played with wooden swords, which split at one point. A friend wrapped the victim’s upper body in duct tape and someone commented he looked like a pinata. Willi, the groom, wanted to hit him with a wooden sword, but the others wouldn’t let him. Willi then allegedly grabbed a handful of knives at a house. The complaint says Willis threw one, hitting the victim in the upper chest. He was charged last week.

Some weddings are boring.  Some weddings, apparently, are filled with wooden swords, knives, teenagers wrapped in duct tape in order to resemble human pinatas and, I’m guessing in this case, crystal meth and aggression.   Perhaps, in subsequent weddings for the groom, he can balance his love of knife play with a more tempered wedding celebration.  Maybe lawn darts?

Although a Vin et Fromage Melee may sound like a tasty appetizer, it’s actually quite violent. The Tribune reported some unclassy events going on at the picnic-and-a-show venue, Ravinia, earlier this month:

A dispute over lawn space erupted into a turf war that sent one man to the hospital before a sold-out Donna Summer concert Saturday at the Ravinia Festival in Highland Park, police said.

After setting up their blankets, chairs and a tarp, a group of concertgoers from Arlington Heights left for a restaurant. Returning an hour later, they found their belongings displaced by a Chicago group, which they confronted.

A woman in the Chicago group tried to attack a woman from the returning group, police said. A 40-year-old Chicago man then punched a 49-year-old Arlington Heights man, prompting a wine-and-cheese splattering melee, police said.

The Arlington Heights man was taken by ambulance to Highland Park Hospital, where he received 15 stitches, while the Chicago man was charged with battery.

Sorry Arlington, I think the Chicago Donna Summer Gang is in the right here… you can’t just stake claim on a concert lawn, leave for hours and come back and expect it not to be fucked with.  That’s just not how it works.

There’s also something great about 40-somethings getting in a wine & chees brawl to the disco bliss of Donna Summer.  It’s almost surreal.

yikes. Courtesy of OakleyPhotos:

The AP reports Moline, IL dude decided to multi-task after holding 5 people hostage, sending two of his prisoners out for beer.  No insight as to why just sending one hostage wasn’t enough … dude was prepping to drink a LOT of beer apparently.

Police say 33-year-old Jason Slagel of Moline is charged with five counts of false imprisonment and going armed with intent. They say Slagel pulled a knife during an argument Tuesday night with another man and told the people in the room that they wouldn’t be allowed to leave … Police say Slagel eventually got thirsty and sent two hostages out for beer.

After they left, they called police and Slagel was arrested without incident.

Didn’t see that one coming.

Editors everywhere are preparing their “The Family That Robs Together, Stays Together” headlines for tomorrow.  It’s what they do when fruit this ripe falls in their laps.   While this story involves Chicagoans, it’s where they did what they did that makes it a tale of Milwaukee frivolity.

A 17-year-old teen in town from Chicago for his mother’s birthday yesterday apparently robbed two gas stations in Greenfield and Milwaukee at gunpoint before he and his mother – the alleged getaway driver – were captured by Greenfield police last night. Others along for the ride? The woman’s three other children, a 13-month-old girl and two boys, ages 10 and 14, who Greenfield police were aware that their older brother was robbing the businesses after planning out the capers with the 37-year-old mother.

That kinda makes the Dairy Queen ice cream cake I got every year for my birthday seem about as crappy as this.

It’s nice to know that despite their difference, Milwaukee and Chicagoans are cut from the same, cloth.  Take for instance, the instinct to burn shit:

A headline in Milwaukee’s Journal-Sentinal News Watch blog succinctly sums it up, “Argument Leads to Porch Fire”.  This particular problem-solved-by-burning took place at 2500 block on Michigan.  Shockingly, it was not caused by Marquette students.

An argument between neighbors led to a house porch being set ablaze before Milwaukee police arrested a 52-year-old man accused of setting the fire early today … Police said damage to the porch as well as furniture on it was about $600.

Maybe it was a professor.  In darker Old People & Fire news (ed. note: New Blog?), combustibles are also the solution to owing rent, reports the Chicago Trib:

A South Side landlord was critically burned Tuesday after being doused with gasoline and set on fire, possibly by a tenant he evicted, Chicago police said … Authorities responded at about 2:15 a.m. Tuesday and found Hayes collapsed on the porch of the building next door.

This, actually, is not funny at all.  MKEvsCHI hopes Mr. Hayes will be alright — this is a pretty terrible thing to do.  Now that the scales have been tipped towards Chicago, I have to add another Milwaukee one for ol’ times sake.  The oddly well-endowed blog Sports By Brooks does a good synopsis of a dangerous symptom of Favre Withdrawal:

…One Waukesha County family is taking a stand against conformity and poor judgment, and had themselves a little Favre-B-Q … The Starks, life-long Packers supporters, decided to hold a Brett Favre-memorabilia-burning bonfire because of the quarterback’s extremely selfish (to everybody but Favre-loving sycophants) attitude toward the team, the city, and its fans. And they were kind enough to videotape it and set it to music.

Please Enjoy.

Actually, the video is actually pretty self-deprecating and humorous.  The main thing that worries me is their Tivo’ing of Fox News.  THAT is scarier than arson.

Gapersblock and the Sun Times report that an ill-advised trip down a stair railing (during a Steely Dan concert) resulted in a well-advised trip to the hospital:

Man falls attempting to slide down Chicago Theatre railing

A man was hospitalized after falling down a stairwell at the Chicago Theatre during a Saturday night Steely Dan concert Downtown.

Emergency personnel responded to a report of an accidental fall at the Chicago Theatre, 175 N. State St., about 11:10 p.m. and found a man on the basement floor, Central District police said.

The man was attempting to slide down the second-floor stairwell railing during a concert when he fell, hit two other patrons and landed on the basement floor, police said.

“You see”, said Steely Dan (in unison), “this is why we never used to play concerts.”

Gapers Block reports a scathing expose on the lack of turn-signal use in a Sun Times article today.  Why, pray tell, would Illinoisians not want to use their turn signal?  Because, apparently, not using your blinker adds a level of excitement slightly above ripping the tags off your mattresses.

A 2006 survey by Response Insurance, a national car insurer, found that 57 percent of American drivers don’t signal when changing lanes. Men are less likely to signal than women, and drivers under 25 are less likely to signal than older drivers. Their reasons were a bit scary:

  • 42 percent said they didn’t have time,
  • 23 percent said they were lazy,
  • 17 percent said they don’t because they forget to turn it off,
  • 12 percent said they changed lanes too frequently to bother,
  • 11 percent said it was not important,
  • 8 percent said they don’t because other drivers don’t. And, most disturbing of all
  • 7 percent skipped the signal to “add excitement” to their trip.

Most disturbing, indeed.


The Cubs are rockin’ the NL, but sadly, more and more reports are popping up about the redonkulously violent tendencies of Chicago baseball fans.  Most recently, there’s been these dandy events:

The three were charged after taunting, then physically harming Robert Steele, 32, of Gurnee, police said. Steele’s nose and orbital bone were broken in a fight that took place July 19, Huntley police officials said. Steele also lost his right eye after getting kicked in the face with a steel-toed boot … The three are accused of beating Steele at a Sesame Street-themed birthday party for Steele’s fiance’s 2-year-old niece, Huntley Deputy Police Chief Todd Fulton said. (From the Daily Herald)

Police say the three Chicago area men got off the bus after the 24-year-old West Allis man threw the beer. The Brewers fan was cited for disorderly conduct and taken to a local hospital. Authorities say he suffered cuts to his face and had a tooth knocked out .. The 34-year-old Chicago area man also received a municipal ticket for assault and battery after police say he punched his sister in the mouth as she tried to intervene in the fight. (From Chicago Tribune)

  • Though more obnoxious than harmless, Deadspin reports a smurf Cubs fan, for no apparent reason, dumps a bottle of ice water on a reporter:

…A Chicago Cubs fan covered entirely in blue paint decided that he needed to dump a cooler full of water on her. Then, proving that he has the intelligence of a lima bean, he (or someone claiming to be him) posted the footage of the dousing on youtube.

This, of course, is all Cubs-themed anarchy, so, I’d also like to mention White Sox fans once beat the crap out of a first base ump, tackled a Royals first base coach, and nearly caused a riot because of their hate of disco.    Either way, this violence isn’t new, it’s just disturbing.  Now that both North and Southside teams are at the top of their divisions, maybe we can all sit down, drink a few dozen beers, and then just drive home without incident. 

Oh, EPSN’s got some more fun Chicago Pugilistic Baseball History:

April 15, 2003, U.S. Cellular Field: After three fans had earlier disrupted the game by running onto the field, a fourth ran on the field in the eighth inning and tried to tackle first-base umpire Laz Diaz, wrapping his arms around Diaz’s legs. The fan, who has not yet been identified, will likely face charges. The three men, all in their 20s, who ran onto the field earlier in the game were charged with misdemeanor criminal trespass.

Sept. 19, 2002, Comiskey Park: Royals first-base coach Tom Gamboa was assaulted by 34-year-old William Ligue Jr. and his 15-year-old son. The two jump on Gamboa, kicking and punching him until players and coaches from both sides restored order. A folded-up pocket knife was found on the ground afterward. According to the Daily Southtown, Ligue’s son spent one month in jail after pleading guilty last October to charges of aggravated battery and mob action. He was sentenced to five years probation, 30 hours of community service and was ordered to undergo counseling. The elder Ligue has pleaded not guilty to the same charges and is seeking the same punishment as his son.

May 16, 2000, Wrigley Field: A fan grabbed Dodgers catcher Chad Kreuter’s cap, striking him in the back of the head. Kreuter went into the stands after the fan. It took security officials nine minutes to restore order. Nineteen Dodgers players and coaches were suspended.

Sept. 28, 1995, Wrigley Field: Cubs reliever Randy Myers was charged by a 27-year-old bond trader who ran out of the stands. The unarmed attacker was knocked down by Myers, who was trained in martial arts, and was arrested.

July 13, 1979, Comiskey Park: Bill Veeck’s infamous Disco Demolition Night, Fans who brought disco records were allowed into the stadium for 98 cents. The records were to go into a bonfire between games of a doubleheader with the Tigers. About 50,000 fans attended the game and more than 5,000 ended up on the field where a riot ensured. Veeck made futile pleas for the mob to leave. Umpire Dave Phillips called a forfeit, giving Detroit a sweep. 

It’s only going to get worse, Wisconsinites.

Packer Fans Flies Flag at half staff

Greg Kurzynski of Greenfield is frustrated with the Green Bay Packers for trading Brett Favre to the New York Jets and he’s in mourning.

So he did what you’re supposed to do when there’s a tragedy.

He’s flying his Packers flag at half staff.

“When I woke up this morning and saw that they had made the trade, I had to so something,” he said. “It was just eating me up.”

Kurzynski, a lifelong Wisconsinite and Packers fan, said he bought a Packers flag when he moved from South Milwaukee to a house on Howard Ave. in 2003. He flies it on game days.

He’s been on vacation from work for the past two weeks and fuming over what looked to him like the Packers seeming to push Favre away.

Usually Kurzynski spends his vacation at Packers training camp, but he couldn’t this year, he said, because Favre wasn’t going to be under center.

Kurzynski said a letter to Packers general manager Ted Thompson would just be ignored. He figured a flag placed in a position of distress would get more attention.

He lowered the flag, then mowed his lawn. His wife, Gloria, called the newspaper and a television station.

So now Kurzynski has two teams. He said he’s going to order his New York Jets jersey once the Jets’ official online store comes back up. The Web site had been down all morning, Kurzynski said.

Kurzynski will watch Jets games on television, he said. He will watch the Packers too, if the games aren’t on at the same time.

Kurzynski and his wife have mapped out a game-time routine during their 38 years of marriage. He sits on the edge of his chair and can’t be interrupted. Gloria Kurzynski will listen in, but she won’t let a game stop her from doing chores around the house.

“I’ll watch,” she said, “but only if I bet on it.”